Nobody tells you how much of life is actually managing the things that you never actually get to control.
But, somewhere between who I was at 18 and who I am now, I realized that control is mostly an illusion.
The things I thought I’d have more control over
- My body
- My time
- Other people
- How long hard seasons last
What I Thought and What I Learned:
I really thought that I would have more control over so many things in my life than I honestly do. As a somewhat type A person, does it bother me? Absolutely. But when my type B side kicks in, I’m ready to go with the flow. Sometimes I just have to let it go and roll with the punches, because trying to control everything takes a toll emotionally, physically, and mentally. It’s exhausting feeling like you have to be the end-all-be-all for everyone and everything. When I decided that I needed to stop gripping it all so tightly, there was physical, emotional, and mental weight that was lifted from me.
It has taken a long time, but I’ve learned that there are certain things that no matter how hard I work at it, I cannot control. First on the list? Other people’s opinions of me. I can be the hardest worker in the room and still be the villain in someone else’s story. I also had to learn that I cannot control how much effort others give or put in. As someone who constantly strives to be the best in all that I can be, this is one area that I still struggle with. If I can put 110% in, why is the person next to me ok with only putting in 50%?
After giving birth to both of my boys, I had to learn that for a while, I was not actually in control of my body. Postpartum energy levels, especially after my little, can feel nonexistent. Hormone changes, healing timelines, and especially mental health were things that it felt like I had very little control over. Someone needed me, at what felt all times, and I felt like I could never turn off. Then, while pregnant with my little, my big was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. It seriously felt like I could never turn off and always had to make myself available to make sure he was ok. Yet another layer of not being in control.
My little is about to be 5, and I am just now starting to feel like maybe I’m finding my way back to me. I enjoy a good challenge, and challenge myself to do hard things. Right now, that looks like training for a marathon.
There is an emotional toll of carrying responsibility with the feeling of being out of control. Choosing peace instead of control is the way to learn what really matters. You can’t make people care, but you can care deeply. You can’t force growth from others, but you can continue growing yourself.
There is something powerful in being flexible. About trusting yourself enough to know that even when life feels out of control, you can still find a way through it. and realizing that trusting in yourself.
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